At this point it’s been over a month since I last wrote something on my website. I’d like to say it’s because of the holidays and I’ve been too busy to make something. Or that it was because I was working on future bigger projects for the website or maybe some huge DND module. I’d even settle for me reading a bunch of books or starting a new long series.

It hasn’t been any of those things. Instead I’ve been unable to do just about anything for a month now. Looking back I’m not even sure where my time went. Rereading the Wandering Inn? Catching up on Stranger Things with some friends? Drinking too much? (probably that one it’s not healthy)

I’m not sure where my lack of will to do anything is coming from though there’s several premier contenders…

First off it’s balls freezingly cold here in Gyumri. Everything is covered in a piss nasty (literally so much piss) blanket of snow. It’s icy and gross and makes going outside something I dread every day even with watching my cute little dog run around (and contribute to the piss snow). I never thought I had seasonal depression and I’m still not sure if I do. Maybe the Texas Winter just isn’t dreary enough to effect me. But now I hate everything around me. I’m writing this now in one of the worst moods I’ve ever been in and I can’t make it go away.

There’s also my job. I hate my job to such an insanly large degree it’s ridiculous. I’m completly useless and my job’s only point is to parade me as a zoo animal to increase the prestige of the school. My students don’t care about learning, my student’s parents think learning is for losers, my school only cares about the appearence of learning and are happy to cheat or lie on any metric. My counterpart though is a doll she’s the only reason I can put up with this pointless waste of time.

Before coming here I had never had a job that I didn’t enjoy to some degree. I’ve worked a lot of jobs, from customer service, to bartending, to a back of house chef at Chick-Fil-A. Every job I’ve worked I’ve had something to find pride in. Or some process that working on increasing my mastery of brought joy. When I worked as a Lube Tech sure the work was hot and long (12 hour shifts) and I came home smelling like oil every day… But pumping out the most amount of cars without mistakes made me feel amazing. And I could zone out and focus on what needed to be done. I was doing something.

Now I feel like I’m stuck inside a giant spiral hole in my life. My job has no tangible results in any capacity. This decreases my motivation to try at my job. My lack of motivation makes my job even more pointless because I’m not doing anything. And the worst part about not doing anything is nothing has actually changed from when I was doing things. I just circle around the drain wasting 2 years of my life.

I don’t know if I would have felt this way if this was after college or high school but before coming here I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. My job was great, my friends and social acitivites were amazing, and my job was helpful and I was making money. Choosing to do something that everyone else thinks is a good next step only to drasticly decrease my personal happiness, monetary success, and learning of skills is too much whiplash.

What can I do about this?

My first post on this website was about me feeling the need to create something .This is still true. Or at least I want to believe it is. I haven’t been creating, and frankly I’ve barely been consuming, just wasting, time, money, and attention on nothing.

So I want to waste it on something at least. Starting this week I’m going to post at least one new article a week. Whether it’s going through my backlog of decktechs, Issues with MTG as I see them now, or just more life posts.

This way by the time I’m back in America I will have at least made something I think is cool. So here’s to coolness in 2026 o7

PS I cut my hair its crazy.